Women, work and the Art of Savoir Faire
 Women and men bring vastly different communication styles to the workplace, writes Mireille Guiliano, former President and CEO of Clicquot.
When we started Clicquot, Inc., in 1984, the wine world I entered in America was a tough, essentially all-male environment in America. (And in France it was truly an all-male club.) I worked in part with old-line distributors, as I noted earlier, and with many liquor salesmen who sold wine as a sideline, at a time when America was just waking up to wine at the table. I did not have an on-the-street sales background and didn’t know how the business really got done. But I learned quickly.
How was I going to work with those hard-nosed distributors and tough ex–liquor salesmen? I wasn’t going to entertain them and their best customers at strip clubs, as our top manager in Germany did on his junkets to New York. I had to find my own way of developing a relationship with them. In some cases I’d take them to a steakhouse and afterward to a jazz club.
And I could be a tough, tough negotiator. How would that go? No problem. I always controlled my decibel level, even when delivering the “riot act.” I was always treated respectfully and professionally, always found winwin situations and alternative entertainments. And, surprise, surprise, those sales guys always wanted to meet me. I must have been a curiosity.
Like many men who cut back on profanity in front of women, these guys rarely swore in my presence (in the car sometimes, when they did not have to look me in the eye and could not hold back). They also were a bit more reluctant in business meetings to say no to my face.
Indeed, I learned that a yes in person was sometimes just an avoidance of controversy. Men might say yes to a woman at a meeting rather than engage in a heated (and profane) disagreement as they might with a man. Meeting over, they went about doing business their usual way. I learned to follow up my significant business meetings with a written understanding of what was agreed upon, and then held everyone accountable for living up to the agreements. Having things in writing almost always helps.
Communication styles
Men do not ask for travel directions, right? That is a universally accepted truth. Men seem to see asking questions as a sign of weakness or failure. Women ask questions. If you’ve ever served as copilot, you’ve done the asking for directions.
Of course, there are exceptions and special cases and few absolutes, but there are some gender-specific communication styles that are well researched and documented. Being sensitive to them in the workplace can help avoid some serious miscommunications and help you in achieving your and your company’s goals and needs.
In any argument, negotiation, or discussion, it is imperative that you know your audience. Here are a few classic communication gaps and styles I’ve learned to recognize and address in keeping workplace dialogue productive (not that I was always successful).
As I’ve noted, women like to ask questions and gather a lot of information before tackling a task head-on; men like to plunge in, letting the ends justify the means. In my experience, men typically do not read instructions. (Forgive the overly simplistic generalization for discussion purposes.) Ever watch a man load some software, hook up some home electronic unit, assemble something that came in parts? They generally will read the instruction only if they have been unsuccessful at first intuiting the correct path. Each gender often doesn’t understand or perhaps appreciate the other’s approach, which leads to frustrations and miscommunications that can carry over, counterproductively, into other elements of a working relationship, including emotional outbursts or confusing subcurrents.
We have known since the days of Aristotle that communications have both logical and emotional charges. Men are great at delivering a sound message while obliviously hurting another’s feelings. No one likes to have their feelings battered, but women are more vulnerable to—let’s call it heightened emotional sensitivity. Be sensitive to your audience and, when possible, use analytics—data-driven decisions or strategic points—to defuse a discussion and get back to the business points. And perhaps be a bit understanding; normally people are not out to abuse you emotionally; usually they are just poor at communication. What else is new in gender relations?
In doing business internationally, the need to minimize the emotional content and threat of unintentional slights in a discussion that should maintain or build a strong personal working relationship is magnified. A lot of global business is built on understanding and respecting another culture’s values and protocols. For example, in the Middle East, the word “yes” in a business discussion means “maybe.” In China or Japan, “yes” might very well mean, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings or off end you, so I am saying yes but don’t mean it.” Also in the Middle and Far East, there is a range of almost ritualistic practices, from the exchange of gifts to seating arrangements to the language of greetings and toasts that needs to be followed to make for a comfortable relationship.
Only the naïve and impatient jump to the chase, oblivious to unintended insults and damage to business. In those cases, we hope our partners are savvy and forgiving, just as we need to be to act in our own enlightened self-interest when crossing some gender communication gaps. Realizing that attitudes toward women, in particular, are not the same in some parts of the world as in America or Europe should figure in your relationship building, including the realization that it is in one’s business interest not to attempt single-handedly to change a culture.
Women are more comfortable with and prone to talking about their feelings than men, but being overly talkative in business settings can become awkward and shut down conversation. Be alert to that. We have to control ourselves more in the office than at home.
Another fundamental difference in gender communications that is close to my heart, and one I expect will become increasingly apparent in the workplace, is that women like stories. They are in no hurry to finish telling a story or listening to one; men are. I cannot tell you the times I’ve lived through with men trying to end a conversation in mid-story so as to get down to business. That leads to impatience on the part of the sender and the receiver, not a good thing. I suspect that men’s tendency to want to get to the point and want it now is why business books written by men seem so dry to me, and why, as a woman, I write the kind of books I do. Engaging and illustrative stories are good business tools.
Men speak louder than women, interrupt more, and generally speak out more in business meetings as well as use more declarative statements. Both to be noticed and to be taken seriously, women do need to contribute at staff meetings and seminars. But make every word count. Here again, less is more. We are not impressed by the outgoing person who has an opinion on everything and lets everyone know it. The person with a clear and incisive comment wins respect. And as for appearing competent, confident, and convincing, I always found that softly repeating my point in a variety of ways in one-on-one or group meetings worked. Again, what I tell you three times is true.
Oh, and men swear a lot more in the workplace, and it can be effective in team building and morale boosting if used in a competitive sports style; however, profanity is another double standard.
Men swear and are tolerated and even respected; women who swear like men are often seen as overly asserting themselves, vulgar, verbally aggressive, or followers (imitators), not leaders, and are not respected by men.
Extract from Women, Work and the Art of Savoir Faire by Mireille Guiliano, $35.00, published by Simon & Schuster Australia
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